Thursday, July 11, 2013

On Lengthening My Rope

I totally had a "woe is me" day yesterday.

OK, admittedly, my life has had a lot of sparkles and sunshine and new adventures lately. And I'm a naturally optimistic person, so I know that comes through in my social media posts. But, I don't want to be one of those bloggers who paints such a pretty picture of my life that I become unrelatable and you think I'm living some magical, alternate reality. Because let's be real, as much as I'm really happy to finally be in northern California (aka the Garden of Eden), a lot of things about this move have been tough. In good news, I trust my gut immensely and I'm not really the second-guessing type.

Here's a few details, for the sake of keeping it real...

I don't have a job anymore. I mentioned before that I moved here for a contract position with hopes that it would turn into something more long-term...but that didn't pan out. I found out that lovely detail on pretty much the exact day I arrived in my new city. In all honesty, my journey to move here has felt like a disappearing ladder effect. For the last few months, I feel like I find one foothold just to get me to the next step but that's as far as it takes me before I need to find a whole new ladder to move on to the next part.


And I'm learning important things about faith, the hard way.

Faith isn't about relying on anything except the the fundamental truth that God makes everything OK in the end. I've had faith focused on job applications, job leads, job contracts, etc., and so many of those things fell through one at a time. And I think that's because I need to learn to have faith in God....and just God. Not job applications or leads or contracts or anything else fleeting. I realized that yesterday when I got a rejection email from a job I really wanted and my eyes leaked spontaneously in the middle of a Starbucks. My faith has been too much of "I trust you God, because ____." But it needs to be, "I trust you God, regardless."

And life is beautiful, even right now.

I'm applying my head off to jobs, every morning and afternoon and evening. I'm walking and bicycling around this amazing new city and breathing in the sights and meeting the people and eating a lot of leftovers and saving my moneys. I am seeing tender mercies left and right as people are kind to me and as more items sell from my etsy shop and give me some much needed revenue. I'm counting my blessings in terms of text messages and phone calls from friends, and that $25 bicycle I love so much, and this adorable deli/ice cream bar/market across the street from me owned by the nicest people who let me use their wifi and smile and joke with me when I come in, and $5 sunglasses I bought today that I'm in love with to replace the pair that broke yesterday (on a day when I spilled food on two separate shirts and all other kinds of "oh is that really necessary" setbacks).

I'm hushing the nasty little voices that start to ask, "Are you even any good at this writing thing after all?"Because I know I am. I know in my gut like anything I've ever known that I have what it takes to make this happen. And I'm learning to have faith in God and only God. In His hand and not any exterior circumstances. And in these words I heard this week:

"In moments when I feel like I am at the end of my rope, I somehow wake up each morning and find that God has lengthened the rope."

It's true: my rope continues to lengthen every morning, and my heart is overflowing because of it. Everything will be OK in the end, and everything is beautiful in the meantime -- even if it's a rough, hazy kind of beautiful.


Kimberly Bonham said...

I love this post so much! Even sometimes when we think we can't do it or can go on much longer, He is always there to hold our hand and to push us along.

My best friend Jessica moved out of your ward a few weeks back. Small small world!!

Erin said...

Love. Love. Love.

I'm rooting for you! Good things are to come!

Jenna Foote said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, but as I told one of my very homesick young women at Girls' Camp, "When you do hard things, you become a better person." I really believe that. And I know this is helping you in ways you can't quite even grasp yet. But someday you'll see it all so clearly. That's because you've got a good head on your shoulders and a faithful heart beating in your chest.

That being said ... have you looked into Demand Media at all? I know we talked about it, and I wouldn't consider it a long-term solution, but it could really help you in the meantime.

Chantel said...

Amazing. You are such a beautiful person, Katie. Inside and out. I was thinking about you last night, and I truly admire you. Your sense of humor, your depth of soul, your optimism. You really are a person that has it all. And I have no doubt that you are going to make it in that city.

Tyson J Oliver said...

Man, those times of being taught how to trust only God- those are some intense times. They remind me of fasting. Where you're so weak and stretched thin and aching for some nourishment, but you keep pushing through for the only reason that God has asked you to.
But boy is it worth it, right?
You're doing awesome.

Whitney Morris said...

Just wanna say, you are a fantastic writer! It'll work out. Way to be strong and keep a faithful attitude :) With faith going for ya, things will always work out. I know that! Good luck!

Camille Millecam Whiting said...

I can't wait for you to say like so many do "The one month of unemployment felt like eternity, but it was only one month!" Had that conversation with a new coworker today! It's going to work out and you'll see this wasn't a very long moment in life at all :)

Myke Olsen said...

In reading this, I just realized something about myself that I've only started doing recently -- that when an idea terrifies me, I find myself gravitating toward that idea. The idea that I'm terrified of and pulled toward as I read this: trusting God and only God. Can I trust myself and others too? How do I get to that place where I trust only God? How did you get there? These are questions running through my mind right now.

Myke Olsen said...

OK, here's what sitting in that fear brought me: Trusting God first -- that everything will be OK or that He will make everything OK -- makes it possible to trust other people and ourselves.

Alicia Hanley said...

I know things will work out for you! In the meantime, eat somemore tacos and always remember #nopantsarethebestpants.

PS- Ferret boy is back in my life.

Elise Frederickson said...

I like you. And I'm not even kidding when I say that "Katilda is my hero" has been on repeat in my head since you moved. You are so brave. (Chrissy and I decided that's the word of the year.) You always come out on top and you always have the best perspective of trusting the Lord. I'm sure you don't feel that way 100% of the time, but looking in from the outside, it's super cool to get to learn from all your growing pains. And approach mine differently because I have smart friends.