I totally had a "woe is me" day yesterday.
OK, admittedly, my life has had a lot of sparkles and sunshine and new adventures lately. And I'm a naturally optimistic person, so I know that comes through in my social media posts. But, I don't want to be one of those bloggers who paints such a pretty picture of my life that I become unrelatable and you think I'm living some magical, alternate reality. Because let's be real, as much as I'm really happy to finally be in northern California (aka the Garden of Eden), a lot of things about this move have been tough. In good news, I trust my gut immensely and I'm not really the second-guessing type.
Here's a few details, for the sake of keeping it real...
I don't have a job anymore. I mentioned before that I moved here for a contract position with hopes that it would turn into something more long-term...but that didn't pan out. I found out that lovely detail on pretty much the exact day I arrived in my new city. In all honesty, my journey to move here has felt like a disappearing ladder effect. For the last few months, I feel like I find one foothold just to get me to the next step but that's as far as it takes me before I need to find a whole new ladder to move on to the next part.
And I'm learning important things about faith, the hard way.
Faith isn't about relying on anything except the the fundamental truth that God makes everything OK in the end. I've had faith focused on job applications, job leads, job contracts, etc., and so many of those things fell through one at a time. And I think that's because I need to learn to have faith in God....and just God. Not job applications or leads or contracts or anything else fleeting. I realized that yesterday when I got a rejection email from a job I really wanted and my eyes leaked spontaneously in the middle of a Starbucks. My faith has been too much of "I trust you God, because ____." But it needs to be, "I trust you God, regardless."
And life is beautiful, even right now.
I'm applying my head off to jobs, every morning and afternoon and evening. I'm walking and bicycling around this amazing new city and breathing in the sights and meeting the people and eating a lot of leftovers and saving my moneys. I am seeing tender mercies left and right as people are kind to me and as more items sell from my etsy shop and give me some much needed revenue. I'm counting my blessings in terms of text messages and phone calls from friends, and that $25 bicycle I love so much, and this adorable deli/ice cream bar/market across the street from me owned by the nicest people who let me use their wifi and smile and joke with me when I come in, and $5 sunglasses I bought today that I'm in love with to replace the pair that broke yesterday (on a day when I spilled food on two separate shirts and all other kinds of "oh is that really necessary" setbacks).
I'm hushing the nasty little voices that start to ask, "Are you even any good at this writing thing after all?"Because I know I am. I know in my gut like anything I've ever known that I have what it takes to make this happen. And I'm learning to have faith in God and only God. In His hand and not any exterior circumstances. And in these words I heard this week:
"In moments when I feel like I am at the end of my rope, I somehow wake up each morning and find that God has lengthened the rope."
It's true: my rope continues to lengthen every morning, and my heart is overflowing because of it. Everything will be OK in the end, and everything is beautiful in the meantime -- even if it's a rough, hazy kind of beautiful.