Sunday, February 16, 2014

Skittles, passports & honesty-vomit

I just ate too many skittles.

My mom sent me a birthday package, and it included all the goods for my favorite birthday cake: white cake mix (gluten free, thanks momsie!), pink frosting and....skittles. Except I didn't feel like making the whole cake tonight, but I did feel like eating the skittles. So I ate some of them. I'll buy more whenever I make that cake. Right now, my tummy wishes I hadn't just binged on skittles. But it happens.

I'm eating my feelings.

One thing I tried really hard to do in the last year or so is be more honest on my blog. But I realize my honesty only reaches so far, because there are still some things that are just....not for sharing on a blog. Or are they? I read some people's blogs like....this girl. And she is so honest, and her writing is so lovely. And then I wish I could be so honest like that. Because even if my blog has become considerably more vulnerable in the last year, I still hold a lot of it back. Some of it's to respect other people's privacy, but some of it is just because of plain ol' fear. Fear that it'll be a little too honest. Fear that it'll scare away potential fellas. Fear that potential employers will look at the blog and not see a professional writer, just an angsty girl with some words and a public platform. Well, maybe I am equal parts both, you know? Sometimes I'm as angsty as Harry Potter book 5, but that doesn't mean I'm not a hooverdam good writer with a killer ability to nail my writing gigs.

And speaking of writing gigs.

I've been mostly blissfully enjoying the last three months of contract employment with Ralph Lauren because it's meant I could run free from the exhaustion of job hunting, and also that I could axe all the freelance gigs I was doing just to pay rent and keep the writing assignments I actually enjoy. So that's been super nice and liberating. BUT. I looked at my calendar last week and realize it's officially the time that I told myself, at the beginning of the Ralph Lauren contract, that I would start keeping my eyes open for whatever's next. I've got a couple RL months to go, but I know full well (see: my life in 2013) how long it can take to get a bite when you're fishing for work. So I just want to make sure my tush is covered this time around, and that means....hello job boards, cover letters, resume updates...all the works. And part of me feels like I've had a good rest and I'm ready to hit it hard again, but other parts of me feel weighed down by the prospect. But, regardless of my feelings about it, it's a necessary task! I survived the move to California last year and I fully intend to survive 2014 as well. Game on.

In other really honest news, my little heart is a train wreck right now.

I rarely write anything THAT honest, but there it is. I wrote this post about how SURRENDER is the biggest feeling dominating my love life lately, and it still is. Surrender and a sour aftertaste of defeat. I know we've all got our specific challenges when it comes to relationships (single or married), and the last couple years of my dating life have just kicked me in the face repeatedly. And moving to California did exactly what I wanted in that arena: it gave me a fresh start, new options, a lot of dates, etc. But it quickly reminded me that having options also means being let down, and means letting other people down too. And I truly despise both scenarios. Hence the surrender. I just don't feel like fighting that particular fight anymore. I look back at past relationships, and I look forward at potential ones, and lately all I see is a big letdown, and all I feel is a big desire to just avoid it in the first place. Because sometimes ex-boyfriends get engaged. A lot of times, actually. And sometimes I figure out exactly what I want, get my hopes all sky high and ready to go, only to have the rug yanked out from under me and realize timing's a biotch again. You know that excited feeling when you meet someone new? It troubles me, but I can't even feel that lately. I meet new guys and I just feel...half numb, and half angry. I've never been the type to give up in advance because of potential negative outcomes, but it feels like that's all I can muster to do lately. And that makes me feel like I don't even recognize my own squishy beating lump in my chest. And it makes me feel like the joke is on me, every time I try harder. Surrender, indeed. My heart feels like a punching bag right now. Hence all that skittle eating.

But let me end on some good news: I applied for my first passport this week.

In all my wanderlust, I've yet to leave the country. And I'm determined to make it happen this year. So, I went and filled out all the paperwork and now I just wait for that sucker to arrive in the mail! I actually went to the county clerk's office on Valentine's Day, not realizing it would be packed with couples getting hitched on the holiday. I didn't resent their joy, it's not my style, but it did make me ponder the state of my own heart right now. (See large paragraph above.) And then I got my passport photo taken and I had the distinct thought, "Today I'm proposing to the world."

And I am. Dear world...I'd like it very much if we started seeing more of each other. xoxo


5 comments:

Kelsey Anne Hodgson said...

Beautiful and honest and raw my lovely bahook. Your endurance and will to be positive has always impressed me. You are my American and soon-to-be-international idol.

P.s. Curse you for having a much better passport than me.

Camille Millecam Whiting said...

You will never regret putting yourself out there, even with all the pain. You are trying, you are living, and you are feeling!

And you and the world are going to be a lovely couple.

Stargirl said...

I just read this today on A Blog About Love. It kind of relates. Not completely, but she does talk about surrendering. That is something I need to work on too.

http://www.ablogaboutlove.com/2013/03/the-work-i-did-to-be-happy.html?m=1

Emily Sarah Brooks said...

I love this post...and your blog, hence why I nominated you for a Liebster Award :) Check it out at http://byuconfessionsbabe.blogspot.com/2014/02/liebster-award-ja.html?spref=fb . Also, since you have your passport now wanna run away to Cyprus with me for a little bit? You rock out loud!

Hailey. said...

Come to Italy with us!