Sunday, October 26, 2008

these small hours.

hello one and all.

today i was thinking about TIME. First of all, that I'm glad Arizona never jumped on the daylight-savings bandwagon. Down in A-town, we let nature do its thing. The rest of the world's just on a power trip i suppose :) This clock-changing business is a bunch of confusing mumbo-jumbo, in my mind...been in Utah for more than 3 years now but I'm doubting I'll ever conform to the nonsense.

Other thoughts on time. Lately there's just never enough of it. Maybe it's the transition to BYU-land and the curse of competitive academics....maybe it's the senioritis which is taking over my life after 16 straight years of semester after semester after semester....or maybe i'm just entering a general state of entropy and apathy due to my aging years. Whatever it is, lately it feels like I've been dropping the ball. Big time. Forgotten homework assignments....skipping class to go to work instead because it just makes everything fit better in the day....midterms that I studied for but still didn't quite master (i blame the grading system. But i guess i take some personal responsibility too....but mostly the grading system. this is thoughts for another day.)

So what's the dealio, right? Little ol' Katie....little ol' straight-A Honors student "I ate the ACT for breakfast" Katie has found herself in a terrible rut. The worst part is, I'm not even sure I care. I'm not failing my classes by any means...but I'm definitely not coasting my way through them like I seemed to do in the past.

Analogy time. Anyone who knows me well, knows the most common state of my bedroom....clutter. Clothes askew. Papers aflutter. Missing socks never to be found. Every now and then I'll go crazy and clean everything up perfectly....but forgive me for not wanting to fold my pajamas first thing every morning, so it always gradually gets messy again. The problem is, once it STARTS getting messy, it gets harder and harder to motivate myself to clean it. Hence, the problem just grows. And this is exactly what I unfortunately see happening in my schoolwork....the more I slip up and forget an assignment or botch a test or whatever, the more I lose desire to dig myself out of the hole and make it better. Just reaching the end of the semester becomes the general idea. Blah.

I feel guilty. I feel like I'm messing everything up. But I lack the motivation to want to fix it. Terrible, I know.

But a nice I found a scripture. Actually, a couple of them.

1. D&C 101:16 - "Let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God."

2. Alma 40:8 - "Now whether there is more than one time appointed for men to rise it mattereth not; for all do not die at once, and this mattereth not; all is as one day with God, and time only is measured unto men."

I think the first one speaks for itself. The second a beautiful reminder. "Time" is only a pressure we put on ourselves. Well, for sure we can't lollygag around and delay progression forever because "time doesn't matter," that's not what I'm getting at. But all the undue pressure we put graduate one semester sooner or not. To get every assignment done perfectly and turned in right on the dot. To have my room clean by the end of the week. To finish every household project I wish I could. To learn every skill I wish I could before I get married and have a family. To this and that and blah blah blah. Guess what? Sometimes, "it mattereth not." God wants us to try....but He doesn't want us to beat ourselves up in the continual pursuit of deadlines and perfection.

The key be still. But not sedentary. The key is....balance. I'll let you know when I figure it out :)


The Ballard Family said...

Katie, we are the same stressed-out-overacheiving-yet-somehow-lacking-motivation-half-the-time-anyway person. That is neat.
How much you willing to bet we learn a lot about this from each other during our lifetime? Thing is, what you said it exactly right. Balance. Non-perfection. Being okay, sometimes, with just "good enough." Stepping out of the rush, letting things come as they come, stop deadline-ing ourselves into oblivion. Do I know this? Yes. Do you know it? Yes. Does that mean we can apply it? Probably not yet. :)
Hang in there. Sometime we should chat and I can give you my "what I wish I would have known before I got married and had kids" list. I bet half the stuff you're worried about isn't on there. :)
Also, by the way, you are awesome and I look up to you in many ways. And I'm proud of you. Whether your room is clean or not. And whether you forgot to take your kids to their dr appointment or not. Wait, that's me. I mean, whether you turn in your homework assignments on time or are the same kind of student you used to be. Life changes. It's all part of a process. Some things give while other things grow.
I figure if we feel the same way, maybe the stuff that I need to hear, you need to hear.
And I mean it.
And it's NOT the drugs!

Unknown said...

hey katie! i was looking at bonnie's blog when i put it all together! she married your brother! i went to high school with bonnie and we actually got married the same day. we were getting our hair done at the same salon same time and everything :) not sure if you remember me, i'm good friends with dawnee. but i couldn't agree with you more on daylight savings. ridiculous notion trying to change time

rachelle organ steele

Willy in Chile said...

you always leave comments on my blog. i thought i owed you the same. there is good in everything- even utah's choice for daylight savings... because NOW we can sleep in an extra hour. other than that- its junk. you ready to come home with me? we can eat sour skittles and listen to celine the whole way there. i'll let you :)

Kaylee Hartley said...

Katie! I LOVE reading your blog. I love to hear what you are up to! I'm sorry to hear you are going through kind of a rough time, but the Katie I know will pull through it! :) (I'm sure she will also dance, sing, and laugh her way through it, too! :) )

KP said...

katie...i am really happy i read this because man do i need to hear that right now! your blogs are inspired...seriously lol.
hope to hear back from ya! keep having fun in utah!

Unknown said...

Great scriptures for me! Yep, your all grown up now - still the over acheiver, but changing priorities - I like to see that:-)