Saturday, November 9, 2013

All of me, no shortcuts.

I know the whole "this job hunt is wearing me down" motif on my blog might be waxing old and gray.

Trust me, I'd rather move on to the next phase more than anyone :) But yes, #brokenrecord, I had a tough week on the job hunt front. Felt like I got a particularly sour kick in the face after I didn't get good news when I really wanted/needed/pleaded/prayed/begged for good news. I thought, about a month ago, that I wasn't sure I could get any more humbled about my career. Ha, and then I was wrong. It's really just too easy to sometimes start asking God why He can't just cut me a break and throw me a bone. A few days ago, a friend told me that God is probably not forgetting me...He is probably being extra careful and purposeful with me. I do believe that. I don't always feel it, but I believe it. It's good to hear it from someone else now and again.

Five months.

It's been 5 months since the week I left my old job, turned in my condo key, packed up my comfortable, established Arizona life and got on a plane to NorCal, just "because I need to figure this feeling out." I refer to that week of my life as my Summer 2013 Soul-Searching Pilgrimage. It seriously feels like a lifetime ago. I was exhausted, excited, terrified...and hopeful. I guess my soul found what it wanted, because I really stepped off the ledge by up and moving to California for reals a month later. And then I immediately lost the contract job that made me brave enough to move here. And gosh, you know the rest. Short-term contracts, freelance writing, a part-time retail job, etc. Hanging on by the skin of my teeth and all that jazz. (And gross, skin on teeth? What is that?)

I'm exhausted, excited, terrified...and hopeful. Still, always, hopeful.

I had the most marvelous thought tonight when I was eating my feelings via french fries and Dr. Pepper (are we surprised?) in a parking lot after my Saturday night shift at Anthro that wore the snot out of me. I was mulling over how tough and humbling this week was, and feeling a little homesick, and of course my mind drifted back over the last few I-turned-my-life-entirely-on-its-head-who-am-I-what-am-I-doing months as a whole, and then...and then I thought, clear as day,

"I wouldn't change a single thing."

I thought those exact words, and was surprised by how 100% certain I was about them. If there is one thing I'm seriously good at in life, it's that whole "live with no regrets" thing. That way I want to live a life that scares me breathless? I do that. And, I can honestly say that I live the majority of my life in a way that, if any given day was my last, I'd be perfectly content letting it go. And not because my life is perfect...because man I let things get MESSY more often than not...but because I put my whole self into all of it. Every messy, unpredictable, lovable, hate-able, exhausting, exciting, terrifying, hopeful bit of it. My life gets all of me, no shortcuts.

And I am so overcome with gratitude.

For a heart that knows how to love and forgive in a way that leaves little room for hate or regret. For a courage that burns at a level I'd trust my life with. For a faith that fills my life with a particularly fierce kind of determined peace, hope and joy. For a life filled with people who make up all the most important little parts and pieces of me. My people who call me on the phone, send me encouraging e-mails and texts, pick me up when I struggle, mend my feelings when my heart hurts, and fill in the gaps in my own bravery and faith.

I wouldn't trade a single minute, and I wouldn't change even one piece. All of me, no shortcuts.


8 comments:

Mandy Ballard said...

You are awesome. :) Our lives are so different and yet I have had that same realization and conversation with myself at times. I have felt the power of embracing the fact that my faith and my courage were the only pieces of me left. I love the way you voiced that moment. :) I relate and I commend and I look way way up to my little sister. ;)

Myke Olsen said...

I've been needing to read something like this. Thank you for sharing. Good luck with your career search! I admire your stamina and integrity.

Kailei Pew said...

Thanks, Katie! You are such a great example of jumping in with both feet, no regrets. I needed this today.

Camille Millecam Whiting said...

Just love the honest vulnerability you write so well and exemplify.

You know what, one day you'll tell your grandkids about this chapter of your life, and you know what they'll say? "My Grandma is SO cool!"

Kerry said...

yes. yes yes yes. you get it. stay the course, friend! (also: dr pepper.. it's been years but.. dr pepper sounds so delicious.. )

Autumn @ The Unreal Life said...

I'm so grateful for you and your posts on this topic. I think that we both are in a similar place, where we have a great skill set but a job that doesn't match it. Thanks for reminding me that this time is good and hopeful and joyful and that things will always, always move forward.

Alexis Kaye said...

you are a beautiful writer. Also, you're freaking brave for moving so far. I still get really homesick.

Abbey Morales said...

I'd hire you in a heart beat! favorite blogger :)