Trust me, I'd rather move on to the next phase more than anyone :) But yes, #brokenrecord, I had a tough week on the job hunt front. Felt like I got a particularly sour kick in the face after I didn't get good news when I really wanted/needed/pleaded/prayed/begged for good news. I thought, about a month ago, that I wasn't sure I could get any more humbled about my career. Ha, and then I was wrong. It's really just too easy to sometimes start asking God why He can't just cut me a break and throw me a bone. A few days ago, a friend told me that God is probably not forgetting me...He is probably being extra careful and purposeful with me. I do believe that. I don't always feel it, but I believe it. It's good to hear it from someone else now and again.
It's been 5 months since the week I left my old job, turned in my condo key, packed up my comfortable, established Arizona life and got on a plane to NorCal, just "because I need to figure this feeling out." I refer to that week of my life as my Summer 2013 Soul-Searching Pilgrimage. It seriously feels like a lifetime ago. I was exhausted, excited, terrified...and hopeful. I guess my soul found what it wanted, because I really stepped off the ledge by up and moving to California for reals a month later. And then I immediately lost the contract job that made me brave enough to move here. And gosh, you know the rest. Short-term contracts, freelance writing, a part-time retail job, etc. Hanging on by the skin of my teeth and all that jazz. (And gross, skin on teeth? What is that?)
I'm exhausted, excited, terrified...and hopeful. Still, always, hopeful.
I had the most marvelous thought tonight when I was eating my feelings via french fries and Dr. Pepper (are we surprised?) in a parking lot after my Saturday night shift at Anthro that wore the snot out of me. I was mulling over how tough and humbling this week was, and feeling a little homesick, and of course my mind drifted back over the last few I-turned-my-life-entirely-on-its-head-who-am-I-what-am-I-doing months as a whole, and then...and then I thought, clear as day,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."
I thought those exact words, and was surprised by how 100% certain I was about them. If there is one thing I'm seriously good at in life, it's that whole "live with no regrets" thing. That way I want to live a life that scares me breathless? I do that. And, I can honestly say that I live the majority of my life in a way that, if any given day was my last, I'd be perfectly content letting it go. And not because my life is perfect...because man I let things get MESSY more often than not...but because I put my whole self into all of it. Every messy, unpredictable, lovable, hate-able, exhausting, exciting, terrifying, hopeful bit of it. My life gets all of me, no shortcuts.
And I am so overcome with gratitude.
For a heart that knows how to love and forgive in a way that leaves little room for hate or regret. For a courage that burns at a level I'd trust my life with. For a faith that fills my life with a particularly fierce kind of determined peace, hope and joy. For a life filled with people who make up all the most important little parts and pieces of me. My people who call me on the phone, send me encouraging e-mails and texts, pick me up when I struggle, mend my feelings when my heart hurts, and fill in the gaps in my own bravery and faith.
I wouldn't trade a single minute, and I wouldn't change even one piece. All of me, no shortcuts.