First I walked to the corner deli for a sandwich. Turkey, cream cheese, cranberry sandwich. One of my most favorite kinds of sandwich.....on a toasted roll. Perfetto. While walking, I plugged in my headphones and checked out the first episode of the Call Your Girlfriend podcast. Where have I been?? Women, get on that. And men, if you are interested in a diversity of candid and frank discussions about feminism, politics, the world and female body functions. Fair warning. Do what you feel.
I listened to the podcast while eating my sandwich back at my kitchen table, while the salsa verde chips burned my lips off and at least 1/3 of my brain was distracted by my plant that just.won't.grow. C'mon, little fern. Why do you not grow.
Irrelevant picture break, because that shirt:
I need to write a book. I want to write a book.
Correction: I have written a book. One whole book, and several first-few-chapters of other books. Don't be too impressed by that "whole book" – it's a children's book, so it's not that long. Actually, do be impressed – it's a damn fine piece of literature. I'm going to get it published one of these days. I am. New homework for tonight: send that book to another publisher. The first one I sent it to, like two years ago, politely turned me down. Did you know it took J.K. Rowling something like 17 tries to find a publisher for Harry Potter? And Babe Ruth struck out a whole bunch? And nobody ever wanted to date George Clooney ever in his life until he met the woman he just married? OK not all of those statements were factual. Whatever.
The point is, I need to try again with that children's book. Because like I said, it's a good book. The short list of people who I've let read it all say so. They're also all close friends, family and one ex-boyfriend, sooo.....what I mean to say is, they're not biased at all. Yes.
I want to write a memoir.
I know I haven't like.....climbed Everest. Or became the first female graduate of some program at some school where I had to like....prove female worth....and Julia Roberts was my mentor and....stuff like that. But you know, I have stuff to say. CLEARLY. Hi, this is my blog. If you're new here....I have stuff to say.
Whenever anyone finds out that I blog, they always ask what I blog about. "My life. Stuff I do. Places I go. Things I think about." Those are my typical answers. Maybe I'll start jumping directly to "I just got stuff to say." And if I'm feeling in the mood for feist, I might add a little "you fool" at the end.
So yeah. You know those books that like....Tina Fey....and Ellen Degeneres...and Amy Poehler....write? The rambling chapters about funny and/or serious stuff and stories from their lives? With no real point other than that it's just a collection of things they want to talk about? That's the kind of book I want to write. I have started that book no less than eleventy times. Actually, if I combined all those eleventy false starts, plus all my various rambles on this blog over the last seven years, I might actually have one whole book. I might even throw in that other book I started writing, a YA fiction piece about people who all live on the same street and there's this nefarious underground plot to.........the problem is that I never figured out what that nefarious underground plot should be. So the book has been at a standstill for about four years. But maybe I could just squish it into my memoir and pretend it belongs, and people will be like "who are these characters" and then I'll distract them with my next chapter....which is about that one time that I tackled a pig at a rodeo. Because that's a crowd favorite, let me tell you.
I'm rambling. But that's what memoirs do, right? I'M PRACTICING, YOU FOOLS
And there you go.
I owe you a cookie if you're still reading. And probably a hearty pat on the bum, because who doesn't like one of those? ....in the right circumstances, of course. I work in HR. I know things.
So those are all my thoughts for today. Now I'll go follow through with sending that children's book of mine to a new publisher. And maybe poking around at my various memoir-like google docs. Or more salsa verde chips. We'll see.
Happy Monday, kids