Wednesday, June 10, 2015

I Need You for...

A few years ago, I dated a reeeaalllly quiet guy.

I don't mind quiet. I actually mind loud more than I mind quiet. But I remember this particular relationship felt a little too quiet...which made me worry that we didn't have enough to talk about. Or was it a comfortable silence? I don't know? Anyway, I remember voicing that concern to a friend of mine. And she told me something that stuck with me. This friend, herself, was married to a quiet fella. And she told me that she didn't mind it, because if she wanted to talk extensively, she had other outlets for that. Like me, and other friends, etc.

She didn't need that particular thing from her lover, because she was fine getting it elsewhere. The things she needed from a romantic relationship, she was getting.

This conversation opened my mind up to an important idea that has served me in several relationships since:

I don't need everything from everyone.

And I could never be everything to someone. I'd inevitably fall short somewhere. Stressssful.

I have friends for all kinds of things. Sure, there's some common ground and some basic needs that overlap in all my relationships. But every friend fills a unique spot in my life....some friends are for long chats. Some friends are for silly chats. Some friends are for deep chats. Some friends are for dinners out. Some friends are for dinners in. Some friends are for fashion, and some for travel (let's be real -- not everyone should travel together), and some are for texting, and some for delightful Instagram interactions, and some for athletic adventures, and some for religious dissections, and some for celebrity crush movie viewings and immature inside jokes. You get what I mean? All my people are valuable to me, but often for widely varying reasons.

And sometimes it's easy to forget that, I think. Both with friends and with lovers. Sometimes it's easy to demand everything from one person, and expect them to "get" you on every level, and to feel shortchanged or disgruntled if an important piece of your life just.doesn' with someone when you

But I guess I've learned (and am always learning) that it's better to focus on the ways you DO fit with someone, and the things you DO get from them. And sometimes, when I think someone is letting me down, if I take a step back I realize it's because I was emotionally expecting something from them that they can't give me. Or aren't used to giving me. Or that I hadn't asked them to give me. You just have to know what you want from a particular relationship, and focus on that. Instead of focusing on it all.

And if that's enough....for whatever type of relationship it is...then that's enough.

Now here's an irrelevant (yet somehow relevant) pineapple because I can:


Mikaela D said...

Oh I love this. You have such a beautiful way with words!

Kayla Moncur said...

I had never really thought about this. I mean, I guess I sort of grasp the concept since I do think of my friends in terms of "People I can gripe about church to" and "People I can send dressing room selfies to and get an honest opinion" but now I have a lot to think about.

You are so much wiser than I am.

Larsie said...

Wow. Exactly what I needed to mull over today after a rough convo with the hubs yesterday....inspired post, my friend!! Thanks for saying the things I need to hear :)

FWIL Sentimental Blog Content said...

Have we even talked about how this was how I categorized guys dating? I had 5-6 main segments of my life that I placed conversation and comfort in= professional business chat, religious/spiritual/ Humor, etc. I figured if you had at least 2 you were worth time. The more you had, the stronger/closer our friendship and relationship was. I learned to assess friends this was too. I still stick to I really need at least 2 things, but sometimes you can keep the shallow 1 connection people around if they are funny enough!