I took a few minutes yesterday and read through some of my old blog posts, mostly from that "featured posts" column on the left side of my blog design.
Similar to when I read through old journal entries, it was good to reconnect with my old words because it really meant reconnecting with myself. I'm always surprised by the things I can learn from my own words, whether to remind myself of things or to realize that I've changed.
My pervasive thought, this time around, though, was "Why don't I write things like this as often anymore?" Maybe I've been so busy finding myself in every other aspect of my life lately, from my career to social life to religion to what-have-you, that I forgot to keep writing it down at some point. And me without words is like me without one of my arms or legs. Off balance and with a bleeding, empty space to fill. (That metaphor got a little graphic. I'll just rate this post PG-13 and move forward. If I don't drop any F-bombs I think we'll be clear for continued viewing if you're under 17.)
So I decided I needed to sit down and write this blog post. A thoughtful post, instead of just one about my latest adventure or a pile of photos.
So, hi. Here's some of what's been on my mind.
There are so many things I don't have the answer to lately. But not in an "I feel lost" way. More in just an objective, observational "yeah there's a lot of things I don't know and I guess that's totally OK" way. I've never been more content in my life with not knowing things. Which is ironic, because back when my belief system was more clearly defined, with rules and lists and answers for everything, I actually struggled all the time with fixating on the things I *didn't* know. I was often frustrated, often helpless, and often pressed to the core to exercise faith in the things I couldn't reconcile.
But somehow, wiping the slate clean and putting nearly everything back in the "to be determined" bucket was maybe the best thing I could have done for that stress/anxiety/frustration. A blanket approach of "I don't know that for sure" and "maybe it could be that way, or maybe not" has taken loads of weight off my shoulders. It's like, by deciding that I didn't actually have all the answers for the things I thought I did, I feel much more at peace with the things I stressed hard about not knowing. Now it's just all in one big bucket of "I'll figure it out, or I won't, and that's OK." And I quite like that bucket. It gives me peace of mind, and helps me relate better to people. Sometimes (see: often) when I read comment threads on [insert any hot Internet topic], I wish we could all be more comfortable coexisting with dissenting beliefs and realizing that we just don't know the answers. But I also realize that some people feel strongly that their beliefs are threatened by other people's beliefs, so that's where "live and let live" gets sticky. I guess I don't know what the ultimate answer is to that conflict. Maybe it's just an inevitable human thing.
Anyway, I digress.
I liked a lot of the thoughts I've written on my blog over the years, as I read back through some of them. Some I identify with less than I used to, but I also kind of like that -- the progression of me and my brain and my spirit over the last 7ish years that this space has existed on the Internet. (Seven?? I know, right!)
But that's what we do, I guess. We evolve and progress and disagree, even with our own selves, eventually.
And sometimes it's hard to publish or vocalize words because we think we'll be held to them forever. (We do that to celebrities and politicians don't we? I believe the official term is "flip-flopping.") Well, to hell with that. If I didn't allow myself some personal "flip-flopping" over the years, I wouldn't be half the person I am. And I'm sure I'll say the same when I've inevitably changed another 2, 5, 10, 20 years from now.
So, change. You go right ahead and change. In slow, subtle ways or in big, dramatic ones. The only standard or truth you have to hold yourself to is the one that feels right inside you....and that is a voice that's bound (and allowed) to change. (There's a great poem on that topic...and a great post in general...by my friend Kayla here. The poem is the one called "The Voice.")
So from one changed (and changing) human to another....go get yourself lost. But maybe consider it getting found.
^^ this image felt fitting for this post but is also doubly special, because it was designed by my bestie. You can download it for free to use as computer wallpaper HERE. I've had it on my work monitors for a week now and I'm loooving it! For free, I said! Go forth and partake.