My heart got a little dented and bruised. Honestly, it felt like the last thing I needed when I already didn't much believe in the goodness of dating/relationships. One of those "well, seriously?" sucker punches from the universe at an already fragile heart.
Long story short, the emotional roller coaster kind of stopped throwing me around and coasted into the loading dock this afternoon.
I was reminded, yet again, of the power of choosing to forgive. And there is so much weight that's lifted off your shoulders, often quickly, when you even just voice the words to someone. "I forgive you." Sometimes it takes longer for all the feelings to truly go away (been there), but other times the blessing feels more immediate. And I'm glad that has felt like the case this afternoon.
And I'm reminded, yet again, that often it's the breaking that builds you.
Every time I have to pick myself back up off the floor, there are little moments where I can look and see how it's making me better. Sometimes that isn't until a year or several years later (some I'm still waiting on), but other times I feel like heaven opens up and shows me, right then, even before I'm done healing, some of the "why" for all the hurt.
We don't always publicize the tough stuff, and we gotta remember that about each other.
I'm all about being vulnerable on the blog, but there are some things you just can't blog about, for whatever reason. And I think that sometimes causes us to think that each other's lives are all unicorns and roses and trips to the beach. Because, yeah, sometimes my world can be turned upside down and it's not something I want to share with the world -- so I post a picture of the beach, or my bicycle, or whatever random whimsy is around me (let's all remember how much risk I took and how freakin' hard I worked this last year to make it in a place where I can pick up and go to the beach). I'm sure I'm not alone in this. I think about my friend Camille, whose blog consists largely of stories about her dates and adventures with her husband, and how any outsider might think her life is all sunshine and sparkles. But I talk to Camille almost daily, so I hear about her struggles and ups and downs. Sometimes we just can't see that stuff about each other -- and we should be careful not to assume someone is lucky (often implying they didn't earn their success), has it easy, has no trials, etc., just because some stuff is too personal to share. I think it gives us all reason to pause before we feel jealous of someone's life or resent their good things. There's so much you don't see.
But yes, today my heart feels lighter again. The sun is out. My shoulders feel less heavy. And yeah, I am going to the beach tomorrow.....and that is probably what you'll see on Instagram :)
"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen