Sunday, May 25, 2014

The Break-Up Ledgers

If you ever want to know how I'm feeling, check the scraps of paper hiding in my bedroom and pockets.

I always write it down. All of it. All my feelings, thoughts, ramblings, when something big happens....that's how I process it. Sometimes I start writing with the intent to send it to someone or publish it here, but then realize by the end of writing that just getting the words out of me in the first place was all I had needed. It's like an emotional, literary purge.

Anyway, while poking around earlier today, I discovered a few things I'd written during the crumbled, burnt-ember ends of a few past relationships. I guess I never posted them know...what if the subjects of these pieces had checked my blog and seen them? No bueno.

But now that sufficient time has passed on each of these, I figured, why not share? So just in case you needed a little damper on your's two ghosts of broken hearts past :)

You are the first smudge on a clean slate.
The first almost, maybe, I'm trying, I tried, I'm sorry
The first tense shoulders and ducked head
My fault, your fault
We share this one.
We shared it til we split it
At the part where I wanted to bury the sword
and sink until the ground pinned me at the elbows
And you wanted to keep carrying it
And I'm sorry to leave it heavy in your arms like that
But what more was I ever good for?
For the record, I'm not that kind of girl.
Never, wasn't, aren't, won't be.
Even still,
You are the first smudge, but it's my guilty hands bearing half the ink.

It's almost like there is no name to you.
But you're everything, all at the same time.
I carefully practiced the way it should be. The way it would go.
I breathed in with steel toes
I had a system and a plan and a steady purpose
And I was winning. I was winning. I was winning.
I was winning and there was no room to slip or slide.
And then I woke up one day and realized I'd slipped anyway.
I didn't even see it coming but it blew right through me.
And my chest curved around the ache like a cannonball wound.
I breathed in with steel toes
but caught myself exhaling with weak knees
And it wasn't fair
It wasn't fair
It isn't fair
I did this right. I did this right. I did you right.
I filled in the lines and put things in their places
I filled in the lines and checked the boxes
I filled in the lines and dotted the i's
I filled in the lines from top to bottom and left to right
But I'll be damned if the spaces weren't always yours.


Kailee said...

I love your writing. You are so good. And I totally understand that first paragraph. I write everything down too and it feels like it's taking over my head and I have intentions to talk to someone about it or put it on my blog, but as soon as I write it out in my journal, I'm good. Often times all you need is just a place to organize thoughts. :)

Rachael Anne Stoll said...

These are beautiful!

Becca Swindlehurst said...

That 1st one, are my feelings exactly. Thoughts that I have had in my head but couldn't put words to them exactly. You just did and I feel like they have been released from me. Thank you.

Chantel said...

First of all, I have never stopped believing that we are the exact same person.

Second, you have INCREDIBLE writing skills. I LOVE these poems.