Sunday, May 4, 2014

Oatmeal inside my pajamas.

At 3am, I awoke with dry oatmeal all inside my shirt. Let me 'splain.

It all started with a trip to the beach...which was a perfectly fantastic trip to the beach, but resulted in a smallish sunburn on my shoulders, chest and back. As I was about to get in bed, I looked in the mirror and began to worry about the potential for lizard-like skin peeling down the road. I'm not opposed to some good ol' hippie natural remedies, and since there's no way in hell-o I was going to go to Walmart at such an hour for aloe vera, I wondered what I might have on hand to make it better.

So, I googled natural sunburn remedies.

It was as I stood nekkid before the bathroom mirror at midnight, slathering my body in handfuls of cooked oatmeal, and then peeling on my pajamas over my oatmealed body, that I paused and thought to myself, "I am a really weird kid."

The result?

As of 8am this morning, the sunburn was still a bit pink but definitely hurt less than yesterday. But let me tell you, never put oatmeal on your body then cover it with pajamas. Because when the oatmeal dries as you slumber blissfully away, and you happen to roll over at some point, you'll realize that you suddenly have a shirt full of dried oatmeal flakes that scratch your sunburnt flesh every time you move. When oatmealing one's body, what one must do is skip clothing altogether and sleep on a towel or something that can get oatmeal on it. You can make that decision late, or you can make it early. I can tell you that at least one of those paths will result in you tearing your shirt off at 3am, thus flinging bits of dried oatmeal about the room.

Oh, and the next morning when you have to explain to your roommate why the rug from the bathroom has been banished to the laundry pile (because sometimes you drop a little oatmeal and then sometimes you step on it and smash it into said rug beyond repair), she might laugh at/with you, and then proceed to say, "That lotion right there on the counter has oatmeal extract in it."

And there you have it.

Also, texts with my sister on the matter:


1 comment:

Camille Millecam Whiting said...

Best textersation ever! I will now turn anything anyone says on Sunday into a swear word and then remind them it's Sunday!