Tuesday, September 2, 2014

finally goodbye // sweet, blessed, you


you slipped easily into my life
as easily as you slipped into the room
that first time i saw you
when i openly stared
and you glanced back
and my cheeks flushed
eyelids dropped
and my gaze hit the floor
but i couldn't peel my mind away from the view
sweet, blessed, view
of sweet, blessed, you

what it really comes down to
is that, you were foreign territory
but,
on my porch, after the first date
when we let go of the first hug
the way your hand lingered briefly on my shoulder blade
felt totally and completely familiar

and there are a million things i could say
but mostly the only words that seem to make sense,
are the ones that form around the sound of your fingers on guitar strings
and the look on your face when you started a song that you knew i'd love
and the way the look on my face felt when i recognized it
the way i felt my eyes crinkle
and my lips tipped upward, full and happy
and right then, i fell for you
i finally let myself fall for you
so much, irreversibly, in it up to my collar bones
with the head and shoulders whispering they'd soon follow suit
and oh, oh, did they ever
sweet, blessed, did they ever

and mostly
it's just a pervasive, thrumming feeling
that i'd like nothing more than to fit the curve of my body
to the path of your rib cage and the crook of your hip
and let you whisper goodnight stories
while my breaths deepen
and my eyelids get heavy
with the weight of every new, shared piece of you

and then there was the look of you
leaning over my bookcase
thumbing through my pages
tilting your head to read my titles
it felt like you were skimming the corners of my soul

and in that dark street
with my head tipped back to look you in the face
that part where i didn't break eye contact
and neither did you
i wish you could see yourself the way i saw you, right then
you had the ocean in your eyes
and desert sand in the warm lines around them
you looked like home
sweet, blessed, home

and that part where you crossed the room
to give me your blanket
when i hadn't even asked
just to make sure i wasn't cold
and you squeezed my shoulder as you tucked me in
i felt the imprint of your hand on my arm for days
and, technically, then, i wasn't yours
but in a million growing ways, i knew i somehow still was

and i don't think i could have stopped myself if i tried
when the sight of you climbing out of the car
in your simple gray t-shirt
loosed an audible sigh from my lips
and made my breath stop cold in my throat
there's just always something about you that moves me
and gray is my favorite color, you know
i know you know

and that one early morning
with you
and me, my scarf and marshmallow coat
with the icy air and the sun melting up and over the horizon
and the ebbs and flows of the swells in our easy conversation
and our easy silence
our quiet feet creeping along the path
with the faint sounds of lilting music from a nearby window
i don't know, there was just something
about hearing you talk about living your passion
sweet, blessed, passion
that made me want to live it with you too

but,
here's the thing....
you didn't want me
....and that's the whole thing

so i watched that movie
the one you said we'd watch together
and i made plans to visit that place
the one you made me promise i wouldn't explore without you
and i bought tickets to a show
our show
two shows
and i guess that felt sort of spiteful
but also sort of like healing
and i think i needed a little of both

and it'd been days, weeks
months, soon
when you squeezed my shoulder in passing
two days before a brief, unexpected email
almost so casual you'd think nothing had happened
and no time had passed
and i felt the familiar imprint of your simple touch
and i fell into your simple words
for just a second
until
my gut clenched
and breathing took reminding
and i wanted to pound my fists on the wall
and yell at the universe
to pleaseandthankyou remove your touch from my skin
and relay my unwritten reply
which i'm sorry, but it was
"leave me the hell alone"

it was your birthday.
and i would tell you that i remembered
but i won't.
because mostly, i hate that the day was yours.
i hated that it meant i was thinking about you.
not that i didn't, every other day,
but still.
you had no right to my thoughts.
you had no right to that day.
you had no right.
you have no right.

so then my heart went to someone else, you know.
yours did, so i followed suit.
and you were just a smudge on my mind, for awhile there

but then
oh
but then

my heart was back on the market
and soon, so were you
and i could feel you around the corner
so i dug in my heels
and pushed back with leaden hands

because
not this hurt again
please not this one again

but then we were face to face
and i wondered, in that moment
if all the things i told myself
about how someone else could be enough
and that you didn't need to be my someone
i wondered
as my smile cracked my face in half
and that old familiar electricity crackled from my skin and eyes

i wondered if, yes, this could be hurt again
or possibly hope again
sweet, blessed, hope,  finally, again

i wondered, i did
i took a step back in your direction
briefly
but just briefly

because then
oh, sweet, blessed, then
as quickly as it stole in
it was gone
simply, gone
and i was free
finally, free
like a weight off my chest
and all it took was a little truth
and some open eyes
and a healthy dose of realization
along with the details of the whole story

to finally peel your name from all my scattered thoughts
tear it from the walls, pull it from the backs of drawers
ease it from the cracks, crevices and under-the-beds
and give it away
relax my grip, and give it away

and to finally know that i don't need you
to finally know it
and finally mean it
that i don't want you back
that i finally don't want you back
and never will again

sweet, blessed, never will again

8 comments:

Valofthesouth said...

Beautiful.

Budget Splurge Beauty said...

Dang girl! that's all I have to say. You're special.

Liz said...

This hurt to read. Too familiar.

Rae said...

Simply beautiful.

Mikaela D said...

I love your gift for words. This is so, so beautiful.

Kailee said...

I don't know how...but this is literally, crazily, exactly what I have been going through. There are exact phrases you wrote that visualized memories in my head. It's beautifully written and I just want to say thanks, because these words helped another girl feel a little less alone tonight.

Anonymous said...

This tore my heart open and made tears sting the backs of my eyes. So beautiful, so real. It's taken me YEARS to reach that point where I feel as though I could tear him out of my heart and cauterize it closed again without him in there. Never again, sweet blessed, never again. Thank you for this.

Brooke Penni said...

This is beautiful.