Monday, October 6, 2014

this, right now

One thing I try to avoid doing is blogging about lack of blogging.

Like, when I haven't written in a few days...or weeks....should I explain myself? And you know how I used to post on the daily like clockwork, but now it's more like once a week? And I used to have sticky notes FULL of blog ideas...too many to fit on the calendar....and now the canvas just feels sort of blank most days?

All the time I think, "Maybe I should blog about that." And then I start thinking it through, and I ultimately decide I don't have that much to say....or it's already been said....or that I'm boring myself so I probably shouldn't publish anything. haha. But seriously.

Maybe I did get kind of boring?

But actually, I think I'm just really...content...lately.

My job woes are currently behind me (at least for another year), I'm mostly without dating drama at the moment (minus a few hiccups of activity here and there -- but I've never quite figured out how to blog about my dating life without being THAT GIRL WHO BLOGS ABOUT HER DATING LIFE)....the weather is lovely in California because the leaves *almost* started to change but then summer was like NO! 90 DEGREES! soooo it's like I'm being teased over here. But it's the good kind of teasing, when the choice is between two favorites, e.g. summer and October. I think California might be flirting with me? (It's working. I'm smitten.)

I go to a lot of concerts these days.

Like, almost every weekend for the last couple months. You know that already if you follow me on Instagram, etc. It mostly results in me feeling hungover on Sundays (even without alcohol consumption! it's a real talent) but I wouldn't trade it. It keeps me young and feeds my soul. On Saturday night I went to see Jimmy Eat World, which is my favorite band in all of ever, and my heart is still feeling 23 flavors of happy because of it. I ate at a taco truck beforehand, so it pretty much felt like my birthday that day. No complaints.

I've also been working on cleaning my room for approximately 5 months now. I legitimately just cleaned out the last of the knick knacks from one of the bags I took to Iceland back in June. That's my system. But I'm seriously close to being done. So proud.

And that's just the rhythm of my life right now.

It's consistent, but interesting, and busy and exciting but slow and meandering all at once. (Which is a pretty accurate description of California as a whole, right? Think: ocean. I'll let you write that metaphor yourself.)

And I'm very happy. I mean, I've got my heavy stuff. We always have our heavy stuff. I have things that worry me late at night sometimes, or give me anxiety dreams that wake me up at 4am and I'm never quite sure if it's because of the dream or simply because I had to pee so bad, and I've got my melancholy days and somber moods.

But those days and moods don't detract from my happy...they are part of my happy. I don't want a fake happy that's always sunshine and shallow feelings and no variety. I want a life that's rich and full and flavored with all kinds of emotions, experiences, brave adventures and fetal-position-don't-anyone-talk-to-me-right-now-I'm-having-a-moment naps.

Recently someone asked me what my favorite age in my life has been, and I thought for a minute, then answered, "Every year gets better."

And it does. Sometimes new years are hard, but they always add something to my life. Something I like myself a little bit better for. I feel like I've spent a lot of time in my life always waiting for whatever's next. I think most people do.

But I love my life....right now. I love my people, I love my job, I love that I made a crazy move to California and I love that it's finally winding down into less crazy, I love having travel plans, I love having weekend plans, I love having Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday night plans, and I really love Friday nights without any plans because that means I get to wear pajamas and watch Parks &'s all just very good.

I love this, right now.

And I'll love what's next. But right now, this. And it is so good.

And now here's my just-woke-up, still-wearing-my-retainers morning happy face, when I woke up and realized it was Jimmy Eat World concert day:


Moonboots said...

Hey Katilda. Love this post. Hope the happy stays forever. I have never really wanted to travel to America but this post makes me think, maybe one day. To see California and that Ocean.

Unknown said...

Sometimes I think you've rented a space in my head, because you're really good at writing my thoughts. It does get better every year. Not easier, never easier, but always deeper and more satisfying.

Elisabeth Gee said...

Your posts ALWAYS inspire me. Thank you, thank you. You're amazing and I love you and one day I will meet your beautiful face!!!

FWIL Sentimental Blog Content said...

After the trial of you faith...or something like that! It's amazing how the normal, happiness of life becomes something extraordinary after some hard times.
Also- yes to every year getting better! I think aging is the most beautiful thing out there!
Yay for happiness! Yay for taco trucks! Yay that those are pretty much the same thing!