"You may say I'm a dreamer..."

There are a hundred things I could say about the events of the past few days.

Gay marriage. SCOTUS. Facebook debates. Rainbow profile pictures. There are a hundred things I could say about my (strong) opinions on this or that sticky point, on what constitutes bigotry or religion oppression or intolerance or logical fallacies or what have you.

But all I feel like doing right now is celebrating.

All I feel like doing is rejoicing and letting the gratitude bleed out of my heart that we are finally here, in one big way. There are more steps to take and more goals to reach, but this one feels momentous. Ever feel like you're born to care about a cause? This is one of mine. And my heart has been so full the last few days. And I've been tempted to jump in on Facebook debates here and there, but mostly I just want to dance in the streets and cry a little and give fist pumps to the sky.

Super lucky to live near SF at a time like this! I went to the Pride parade on Sunday and it warmed my heart. All the signs held up by couples who've been together for decades and finally, FINALLY, are having their day. Finally, finally, marching through a crowd of people who are applauding and cheering and not throwing stones.

My heart is so full. My soul is healed a little bit. What a beautiful time to be alive.

"...but I'm not the only one." John Lennon

Life is Joy

One of my favorite things in life are those delicious moments when I pause in the middle of whatever I'm doing and realize how HAPPY I feel.

Happy, content, brimming, sparkling. All that jazz. Just those moments where I'm suddenly hit by how GOOD life can feel and think sunshine might burst out of my pores. Sometimes it's when I'm on my way to meet up with friends I really care about, sometimes it's during a life phase when I feel passionate about my career and am working someplace that feels like a good fit, sometimes it's when I'm on my way to a service project I'm pumped about, sometimes it's just as simple as being happy it's Friday night and I have something good to watch on Netflix.

It's like a feeling that no bad things (exist though they may) can bring me down, for a few minutes or hours, or days if I'm lucky :)

I've had several of those moments lately. Just while I'm driving down the road, or as I've settled in at my new job, or when I'm looking forward to a couple upcoming small weekend trips (or daydreaming about bigger travels I've yet to plan down the line), or when I'm texting with friends I care a lot about and giggles are bursting out of me in public places.

But when I say life feels joyous, I actually don't mean "devoid of conflict." Maybe I just mean...whole.

I read this quote once that I love, about how overall happiness/joy isn't the absence of pain, but rather the conglomeration of ALL emotions. And yeah, having anger/betrayal/sadness/grief as elements of my life now and then can mean bad days or afternoons or weeks sometimes. But that's just a part of the whole.

Look, I found the quote:

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that – I don’t mind people being happy – but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying 'write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep,' and 'cheer up' and 'happiness is our birthright' and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position – it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say 'Quick! Move on! Cheer up!' I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word 'happiness' and to replace it with the word 'wholeness.' Ask yourself 'is this contributing to my wholeness?' and if you’re having a bad day, it is.” -Hugh Mackay

In those moments I described at the beginning, the ones where I am overwhelmingly content, it's not so much that all things are inherently GOOD – it's more that things are FULL. It's like there are all kinds of different emotions running through my veins and just pumping me full of life and all its many facets.

Because for every ecstatic phone call with a dear friend that sloshes me full of happy giggles, there are also more days than I'd like lately where my health has been less great than I want to be, or my body has random aches and pains that I wish would heal up already (I'm looking at you, creaky achilles tendons). And for every "my new job is amazing so far" moment I've had this week, I've had handfuls of sadness for a boy I miss very much but feel like the decision to do anything about it is out of my hands. So I put down the phone and say nothing when I want to say everything, and try to quiet the inevitable "what other girl does he want more and what does she have that I'm lacking" voices that flood my mind on long nights or quiet mornings. I am certain you all feel me on that one, because we've all been there. It's a rotten part of life but it is life. I know this. So onward the little heart marches, with trust that, like other letdowns before, this one will also pass eventually and just be a dot back along the road.

My point is, life is not perfect. It's not flawless or without hard emotions, and it has required hard work and risk and patience from me to get several of the best things I have going for me right now. My life is incredible and blessed and lucky in so many ways; I'm not naive to that when I read the news or books about other peoples' struggles and life situations.

But mostly, my life is FULL. And my life is HONEST. And to me, that adds up to joy. Cracks and crevices and pretty parts and all.

this, right now

One thing I try to avoid doing is blogging about lack of blogging.

Like, when I haven't written in a few days...or weeks....should I explain myself? And you know how I used to post on the daily like clockwork, but now it's more like once a week? And I used to have sticky notes FULL of blog ideas...too many to fit on the calendar....and now the canvas just feels sort of blank most days?

All the time I think, "Maybe I should blog about that." And then I start thinking it through, and I ultimately decide I don't have that much to say....or it's already been said....or that I'm boring myself so I probably shouldn't publish anything. haha. But seriously.

Maybe I did get kind of boring?

But actually, I think I'm just really...content...lately.

My job woes are currently behind me (at least for another year), I'm mostly without dating drama at the moment (minus a few hiccups of activity here and there -- but I've never quite figured out how to blog about my dating life without being THAT GIRL WHO BLOGS ABOUT HER DATING LIFE)....the weather is lovely in California because the leaves *almost* started to change but then summer was like NO! 90 DEGREES! soooo it's like I'm being teased over here. But it's the good kind of teasing, when the choice is between two favorites, e.g. summer and October. I think California might be flirting with me? (It's working. I'm smitten.)

I go to a lot of concerts these days.

Like, almost every weekend for the last couple months. You know that already if you follow me on Instagram, etc. It mostly results in me feeling hungover on Sundays (even without alcohol consumption! it's a real talent) but I wouldn't trade it. It keeps me young and feeds my soul. On Saturday night I went to see Jimmy Eat World, which is my favorite band in all of ever, and my heart is still feeling 23 flavors of happy because of it. I ate at a taco truck beforehand, so it pretty much felt like my birthday that day. No complaints.

I've also been working on cleaning my room for approximately 5 months now. I legitimately just cleaned out the last of the knick knacks from one of the bags I took to Iceland back in June. That's my system. But I'm seriously close to being done. So proud.

And that's just the rhythm of my life right now.

It's consistent, but interesting, and busy and exciting but slow and meandering all at once. (Which is a pretty accurate description of California as a whole, right? Think: ocean. I'll let you write that metaphor yourself.)

And I'm very happy. I mean, I've got my heavy stuff. We always have our heavy stuff. I have things that worry me late at night sometimes, or give me anxiety dreams that wake me up at 4am and I'm never quite sure if it's because of the dream or simply because I had to pee so bad, and I've got my melancholy days and somber moods.

But those days and moods don't detract from my happy...they are part of my happy. I don't want a fake happy that's always sunshine and shallow feelings and no variety. I want a life that's rich and full and flavored with all kinds of emotions, experiences, brave adventures and fetal-position-don't-anyone-talk-to-me-right-now-I'm-having-a-moment naps.

Recently someone asked me what my favorite age in my life has been, and I thought for a minute, then answered, "Every year gets better."

And it does. Sometimes new years are hard, but they always add something to my life. Something I like myself a little bit better for. I feel like I've spent a lot of time in my life always waiting for whatever's next. I think most people do.

But I love my life....right now. I love my people, I love my job, I love that I made a crazy move to California and I love that it's finally winding down into less crazy, I love having travel plans, I love having weekend plans, I love having Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday night plans, and I really love Friday nights without any plans because that means I get to wear pajamas and watch Parks & Rec....it's all just very good.

I love this, right now.

And I'll love what's next. But right now, this. And it is so good.

And now here's my just-woke-up, still-wearing-my-retainers morning happy face, when I woke up and realized it was Jimmy Eat World concert day:

I'm a BlogHer 2013 Voice of the Year!

So, I was already having an above-average Monday today (I ate tacos and a slushie for lunch with Camille, sold my first item from my vintage etsy shop, and my parents' cat let me hold her for a picture), and then I got a little email from BlogHer that was icing on the cake...

I've won a major award!
(Name that movie reference.) (Now I want a fishnet leg lamp....)

via

Back on topic: Feeling blessed, excited and humbled to share that I'm one of BlogHer's 100 Voices of the Year bloggers for 2013! Out of 2,600 submissions, I'm one of 25 bloggers chosen in the "Inspiration" category. I read some of the other blog posts and...back to that humility thing. So inspiring. This is the article I'm being recognized for:

Stop Waiting for Your Life to Start & Start Living It Now

Attending the conference later this month in Chicago for a shmancy reception and to get my picture taken on stage isn't in the cards this year (and by cards I mean bank account because of that whole moving to California thing), but I'm so there in spirit! (And will photoshop myself into their photos later, naturally.)

Next time I win an award I'll try and enter other contests for airfare, hotel and registration fees at the same time so I can afford the festivities! As it is, maybe I'll just put on fancy clothes that night at home, pour myself a glass of sober-girl bubbly and toast to the walls and houseplants. (I kill all houseplants, who am I kidding?)

Moments like this are good reminders that I'm doing this whole writing thing for a reason. Thanks for all the support along the way, blogging friends!

p.s. After posting about all this good stuff, I glanced up at the baseball game my dad is watching and the cameraman was panning to different shots of bearded ball players. Is it my birthday and I forgot?

stop waiting for your life to start & start living it now

[via]

When I graduated from college a few years ago, the only thing I really had figured out is the fact that I had absolutely nothing figured out. I knew I was moving home to Arizona, but I didn't know for how long. I knew I needed to find a job, but I didn't know what line of work I was interested in. I knew I wanted to get married and have children, but the prospects were few and far between.

Consequently, what followed was a strange, angsty limbo phase. There were growing pains, there were false starts, there were highs and lows and ups and downs and wrong turns and right turns and turns I'm still trying to figure out.

And I kept waiting for my life to start.

From conversations I've had with multiple peers, I was not alone in this post-grad, lost-puppy, limbo-phase experience. And even if your situation looked a little different than mine, I would venture to guess that you've experienced something similar when life didn't quite turn out the way you planned.

The thing is, we all have a Plan A. When you looked forward at age 12, 15, 18 or 25, it was the way you pictured the pieces falling into place. Give or take a few details, it probably included items like married at age ___ and staying married for 60 years,  mother or father to ___ children, own a home at age ____, land dream job as a ___ at age ___ making $___ per year, etc. 

You had a timeline. You had a Plan A. 

And then a funny little thing called real life happened. And sometimes real life looked like Plan A, but other times it felt more like Plan B, C, or Z.

For a long time after I graduated, I felt like I was living Plan B. Like I said, I was waiting. I was waiting for my REAL life to start. I just had to be patient, is what I told myself. And I just had to endure that other stuff until the good, right stuff arrived. It was just about holding out, keeping my chin up, being strong and waiting, waiting, waiting.

Here's the truth: I was already living Plan A.

Sure, it didn't look exactly the way I had always envisioned. I was not married, I had no children, I spent a lot (A LOT) of hours sitting at a desk in front of a computer so I could squeak out a monthly rent check and whatever other expenses came my way. But that's not because my real life hadn't started yet -- it was because I was wrong about what my real life was supposed to look like. I was simply wrong about what Plan A was supposed to be.

I was waiting for my life to start, and it already had.

In everyone's lives, there are forks in the road. There are jobs we could have taken, jobs we could have quit, trips we could have gone on, words we could have said, relationships we could have ended, relationships we could have started, etc. But when we chose to go right instead of left, or left instead of right, we didn't suddenly leave the correct life path and wander off into a world of forsaken, second-tier life experiences. We simply rerouted, and then that path became real life. It became part of Plan A.

What is it YOU are waiting on?

Are you dealing with a perpetually single life? Divorce? Infertility? Unemployment? Sickness? Financial struggles? Lack of education? Heartbreak? The death of a loved one? Whatever it is, it IS your real life -- and if you're like me,  I bet you didn't necessarily plan on it.

I spent years waiting on a lot of somedays and keeping my eyes glued on MY Plan A, when real life was already happening to me. Being graduated and single and childless wasn't the wrong plan, it wasn't a waiting ground, it wasn't a holding pen or a limbo phase -- it was the right plan, the right time, the right phase. It was my real life, and it was the right one. It still IS the right one!

The time to be happy is now.

Whatever it is you're waiting on before you start living your life to the fullest, let it go. Live your life right now. Stop waiting on a magic wand, handsome prince or fairy godmother to whisk you away to a castle or carry you off past the second star to the right and straight on til morning. Because while you're doing all that angsty waiting, you're going to miss the life that is already happening to you.

Be happy now. And if you're truly not satisfied with the here and now, stop wallowing and do something to change it. If you're unhappy with your past, focus on your future. You can't change the past. Proactively facing the future is the best way to get the most good out of your past.

But it's time to stop waiting.

Related Post: Why You Don't Need a Relationship to Make You Happy

happy is as happy does

i had such a great time in utah and having time off for the holidays that i thought i would feel melancholy getting back to a normal schedule, but i've actually had an amazing week these last few days. it's just the little things, ya know? and sometimes it's the big things, like getting to sit in floor seats at a phoenix suns game (yes, dreams do come true).

between the suns game adventure with my friend cody, opening shop katilda, getting free custard at lunch yesterday because they messed up my order the first time, owning a bicycle necklace, hosting a baby shower for this gal (and therefore getting to decorate with crepe paper and drink sherbet + sprite), taking a little more time to pray and have heart-to-hearts with the big guy upstairs, and that one time i ordered beautiful new luggage and it was waiting for me on the porch when i got home last night just begging me to plan grand adventures...

life is just raining goodness on me.

you know you're in a good mood when you get a paper cut first thing in the morning, poke it a few times and say to your coworkers, "isn't it incredible that skin can just heal and reattach itself? the body is amazing."

what's making YOUR life happy this week?