Tuesday, October 28, 2014

On Moving Past It

The title is kind of ironic because this post is actually about the....not moving....and the trying to move...and.... Let me 'splain.

First, you should all know that I just went out on my first OkCupid date. I was so nervous before I thought I might ralph in the bushes before arriving at the designated coffee shop. Seriously, Elise and I discussed if Pre-Date Anxiety is a real thing....we're convinced it is. The good news is, although I'm a chronic victim of PDA (which should mean pre-date anxiety but sounds like something else entirely so I will henceforth not abbreviate it ever ever ever again), I actually handle myself pretty well once I actually get ON the date. It's just the pre-game that gives me anxious nausea, apparently. It could be worse.

The point is, I did it! I chatted with someone online and I went through with meeting in real life. I still think I prefer dating in ways that are more comfortable for me, but what is this year of my life if not a heaping pile of anti-comfort-zoning? Like that time when I bought a car I didn't know how to drive and learned some lessons about challenging yourself to do hard things in the name of life. And, you guys, June Cooper and I are still very much in love.

And on the note of OkCupid, I've enjoyed the responses I've gotten to that really honest and long profile I wrote for myself. It's been kind of awesome to see the personalized responses I've gotten from it -- so much more encouraging than the generic stuff you get from a generic profile. What I'm saying is that all you single peeps can now pay me $$$$ to write your profiles for you. JK, JK. (Except, I actually would give you input if you wanted. Not because I'm an expert at dating -- but because I am pretty good at writing personal essays and/or paragraphs. So, you know how to reach me.) 

What was this blog post? Oh yeah...moving slash not moving past stuff.

This week I wondered, again again again, if it ever stops hurting to find out that an ex-lover is engaged or married to someone else. The likely answer is that it probably depends on the person, and how it all ended, and if there's still unresolved feelings there, etc. I honestly do pretty well, most of the time, when I find out that an ex has put a ring on someone else's finger. And then there's the ones that just get me right in the tummy, you know? I had one of those experiences this week. I think maybe I didn't even know I was still holding on to some residual hope, in this particular case, until I saw the upcoming wedding proof in writing and had a lump in my throat that kind of made me want to cry in the bathroom at work. But, I didn't. (I won't say I haven't before, though. There is something particularly challenging about trying to grin and be professional when something in your personal life is really undermining you at the same time, am I right? There should be emotional "get out of jail free" cards we're allowed to just hold up at certain points during work days and be allowed to go home without anyone asking questions. This should be a thing.)

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, other than to say that....sometimes it's hard to move past stuff. There's a couple sore spots on my heart with certain people's names on them that I'm not quite sure will EVER heal themselves away. But, I have said that in the past about a couple that did eventually turn into just a faded scar, with pain that I could finally let go of one day. I never quite know what my little heart is capable of, both in terms of healing AND in terms of refusal to do so. Just full of surprises in the chestal region, you know? (That came out super weird. I don't really want to describe my chest as surprising ever again.) (OK look, I won't rule it out.)

It's also those sore spots that make me feel super sensitive to thoughtless comments about being single, making marriage a priority, etc. When people say shiz like that, sometimes I want to just bluntly tell them a couple rough stories and thank them for carelessly hurting me and my other single friends, and then inquire what long-term difficulties of theirs we can flippantly discuss. But, you know, why start arguments? That's why I have cathartic music and chips. I don't know why I chose chips, in this moment, as the correct comfort food, but....I do love chips. And salsa. Mmmm

It's been a good week for a Taylor Swift album to come out. She always seems to write a song or two that makes the healing feel a little more possible, and the hurting feel a little more raw right when I just need to be validated. She and Sara Bareilles, together, have done a lot for me in that department. Shout out to my angsty girl music, I guess! The rest is filled in with emo Dashboard and playing "Teenage Dirtbag" on repeat. We all have our ways.

And now back to work....because when you have an emotional week, sometimes it's hard to focus during the day and you end up finalllllyyy finding your concentration zone at 11pm. So, let's do this, work queue!

(yes, I drove to Target to buy that album before work on Monday morning....she's my not-guilty guilty pleasure, ok? ok.)


Chantel said...

LOVE this post!! Seriously one of my favorites. And this line - "and then inquire what long-term difficulties of theirs we can flippantly discuss." HA! Oh man SO true.

Jael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Megan Allen said...

Seriously had the same thing this week. The ex who broke up with me not quite three months ago because he "needed to be single," just got engaged. To a girl who he met the same week he broke up and didn't start dating until three weeks ago. Talk about a punch in the guy. There was definite bathroom at work crying. And lots of venting and swear words and more crying to my mom and whoever else would listen (Elise being one of them). it made me realize how un-over him I really was and also that it's ok to be upset at times like that. There's not much worse than being bluntly told "you're not it." It sucks and it is completely justified to feel miserable. However, I try and remind myself that the more of the crap we go through, the closer we are to wherever and whoever it ends with. It'll all be worth it (or so I hope).

FWIL Sentimental Blog Content said...

I don't know that it ever gets easier, even when happily married! Mourning something that was and then wasn't is a really trying. This is why T-Swift has had such a successful career!

Lauren @ Lot Forty Eight said...

There should TOTALLY be a card for that!! And there a scars that will never heal fully and I have accepted that. And I am married. And things still hurt from stupid people