Tuesday, July 12, 2011

writing: memoirs of a (potentially) difficult girlfriend

Note: I came back to read this piece recently, two years after the fact. It made me smile at how some of it is the same, but how much more of it is different. Even if it's not an accurate reflection of Current Me, I love having it here. It's fun to meet up with Old Me now and again.

here's the next piece in my new kick of sharing more of my personal writing on this blog. i'm still working on feeling brave about this whole thing...
so ummmm
enjoy!
(please)

(use your imagination and pretend this picture is remotely fitting for this post and i'm not just making up reasons to use it because i love it so much. yes, good job.)


(2)
to all whom it may concern...

fact: i know nothing about cars
i'll probably break mine, if you don't keep tabs on me
i also drop my phone a lot
that will need replacing, every now and again
i get really, really impatient with myself
but i'll get upset if you aren't patient with me

and ok i admit it,
i'm pretty sensitive
you might like to tease, but sometimes it might make me cry
sometimes i am grumpy
sometimes i stamp my feet when i'm upset
but keep in mind,
i forgive really quickly
because truthfully, i'm no good at fighting

i have a hard time making up my mind
i am not very independent
being a grown-up is really, really hard for me
and i might complain about it a lot
i might whine
and be negative
but really
it's because i'm scared
and sometimes i feel like a failure
and i just need you to tell me i'm not

sometimes i need you to let me vent
and not belittle me
never belittle me
don't critique me or criticize me
or tell me to suck it up
just teach me 
show me how to be better
yes, help me better
but tell me it's ok when i'm not good at everything

i dream big
bigger than i can keep up with
and you might be a realist
in fact, you'll probably need to be
but don't you crush my dreams
it's ok if you keep your feet on the ground
if mine can keep leaping
your two feet will be enough for the both of us, won't it?

i cry a lot
yes, i'm one of those weepy girls
but
i also laugh easily
really easily
and really loudly, sometimes

and just to be clear
i'm a bit cluttered
messy?
call it what you will
i don't like it any better than the next person
but
it is what it is.

also,
i pride myself on my honesty
i will always answer your questions fully & completely
i will lay it all out there, no holds barred
which may be a fault
when i sometimes feel so many things at once
causing even honesty to get a bit confusing
but at least
it is honest
and it is consistent

i might not be any good at paying the bills
but i'd be really good at holding you
and i might not have the answers
but i have kisses
and i can hold your face in my hands
and you can get lost in my hair
and the smell of the skin on my neck
and i can listen until 3am
even if i get a little sleepy
and fall asleep on your chest
i'm still there for you.

i (definitely) won't remember to call the power company
or (ever) return the library books on time
but i will remember your birthday
and your favorite tv shows and sports teams
and that book you always wanted to read
and your important days at work
and i will celebrate you
every day, i will celebrate you
with jumping hugs and compliments and your favorite dinners
i will celebrate every part of you

and i will write you love notes
and leave them everywhere
no really, everywhere

but you must always hold my hand in public
and you must make me feel important
and smart
and pretty
and capable


and,
spend. time. with. me.
come over after work or between classes
take me on your boring errands with you
let me sit by you while you get stuff done
i'll read my own book
and not be distracting, i promise...
just want to be with me as much as possible
and make sure i know it
or i might feel neglected

i'm not perfect
and i can't be everything
and i'm kind of really girly when it comes down to it
and maybe a little too needy and sensitive
but when i take
i will give
oh, i will give

yes i can't be everything
but i can make you my everything
and if i know that's all you need
then we can be happy, you and i
yes
we can be deliciously happy

10 comments:

Monica Hawkes said...

This was some rather delightful reading :) both in terms of concepts, and well as technical poetic word stuff (there is probably some official term for that. Sorry, Dr. K)
I especially like the part about needing "this and that," but then being willing to give above and beyond in return.
DEFINITELY something i'm in the process of learning: it's OKAY to need other people. It's how our lives are intended to be. We shouldn't be ashamed of our needs/weaknesses. It's best just to be open and honest about them, or else how is someone supposed to know how to help you?
BUT we must expect others to be needy, too. They will need from us the same kind of seemingly unfair burden sharing that we so often expect of them.... and we need to be okay with this :)

Emily Burt said...

BE-A-UTIFUL!!!!

Katie said...

beautifully written. and beautiful girl. inside and out.

Megs said...

I love this. I love this so so much. I may copy it and put it on my blog. Don't worry, I'll give homage.

Quinn the Eskimo said...

Honesty and open communication, in my mind, are the keys to a successful relationship. Without them, it seems like mistrust and confusion usually take over. This post shows that you get it. Very well written, thank you!

Travis Butterfield said...

I disagree with the "don't criticize or critique me" thing. if someone truly loves you, they will tell you when you're being stupid. they will do it in as nice a way as possible, but not to do so would be a disservice to you. if you claim the right to speaking with complete honesty, you shouldn't expect your significant other to filter his own opinions.

The Ballard Family said...

So, when you said you were taking a hiatus from blogging, I decided to respect that and cease checking your blog every day.
Then, I happen to check today and it appears you have been blogging all this time! Well, except for that one week. So, I have lots to catch up on...I look forward to it.
I loved this. It had me in tears by the end, I love the style and I love the sentiment. I not only love it but I love that you posted it. Well done.
Because it has spurred discussion and because I particularly liked this part, my thoughts on "don't criticize or critique me" part:
My personal interpretation was that while we all are imperfect and kind of floundering around in a lot of ways in the journey through this life, having a partner who understands that (while, of course, we strive to show the same understanding) is a massive blessing.
If you truly love someone, you would hopefully not ever think they were "being stupid." Rather, that they weren't seeing clearly, they weren't striking their potential, they weren't realizing the consequences of their actions. Most of the time, when it looks like someone is being stupid, it is usually a lack of not knowing any better or not knowing how to do better. That is where a loving partner comes in. Which is exactly what I felt like you were saying when you implored, "just teach me, show me how to be better."
If we are blessed enough in our relationships for our own strengths and weaknesses to compliment those we care about, rather than be in the dark together, it falls as our sacred responsibility to gently inspire each other toward something better.
But humbly. Because tomorrow it will be our turn to be inspired.
And because criticism, critique, and belittling all come from a place of superiority. Which has zero place in a relationship. We want others around us to do better because it will make them happier, just as it makes us happier when we do better . . . not ever because their struggles against this mortal experience irritate or inconvenience us.
True love...true, tempered, refined love...abolishes criticism. Guess it all comes down to charity. It probably takes a lifetime to achieve in all of our relationships, but I applaud you for recognizing that we are here to learn from each other and nobody should settle for a relationship in which they and their shortcomings are criticized. Thanks for reminding me to do better!

Laura! said...

I like that you semi-quoted What's Up Doc on this haha "No, but it's consistent!"
And good job!
And, taking a note from you, I just have to tell you my analysis of the word verification that I got. Uperme: (u per me) the ratio at which you want someone to be around you. e.g. 0:1 uperme ratio= none of them around you; 1:1 uperme ratio= some one on one time; 2+:1 uperme ratio= you wish there were clones of someone so you could be around them all the time OR you know many people that are exactly like each other so it feels like they're cloned already; and finally 1:2+ uperme ratio= the one person has that strange ability to bring out multiple versions of you/your bipolarness when you're with them.
Now, that is just silly! haha but I thought that since this was a post about dating, this word verification was appropriate indeed.

Kate and Ammon said...

I love this. And some guy will be lucky to find you.

Kelli said...

So do you ever read something and think, "Hey...wait a second...this sounds just like me. Did I maybe write this one day when I wasn't paying attention?"

Apparently we're the same person. That's all.

Oh and PS, I like your blog a lot.