Thursday, March 3, 2011

deal breakers & red flags

lately i've been thinking about the idea of deal breakers. i hear/use that phrase a lot in relationship discussions ... Miss Friend says something that bothers her about Mr. Love Interest and i ask, "yes, but is it a deal breaker?"

whether it's nail-biting, bad driving habits, a messy room (guilty, sorry if it's a turn-off), or something deeper or spiritual, we each have buttons we aren't willing to ignore.

Note: there are red flags and then there are quirks. there's a difference.

Quirk Exhibit A: dressing up as quailman at family gatherings. (sorry to any attractive fellas reading this who can't handle it. it's too bad we couldn't work out.)

but in the case of the more important stuff...

first, there's something to be said for looking at the bigger picture and not writing someone off. sometimes you can't color a person by one red flag.

but, sometimes you can. sometimes that flag is red for a reason.

some people say, "look for potential."
then others say, "don't assume you can change anyone."

it can be a boggling dichotomy.

i know i personally have some deal-breakers i'm not willing to forgo. with that said, i've discovered that once i like someone as a whole, some of the little things that i thought would bug me just fall off the bandwagon of importance.

after being married for 3ish years, my older brudder once told me he's noticed that he and his wifey have each changed and taken on each other's best qualities. i like thinking about that.

my conclusion: don't marry someone you wish you could change, but recognize the possibility that you will likely refine each other in good ways.

in simpler terms, rough stones are okay, but not bad eggs.

your thoughts?


Unknown said...

Sometimes I think there is a fine line between quirks and deal breakers. I hear stories of people who go through things in their relationship and think "and they're STILL together?" and then I'll hear about relationships that end over (in my opinion) nothing and can't understand that either. I guess everyone just has a different opinion of what is important. You just have to figure out if someone's habits are ones you can live with the rest of your life.

But I agree with your brother. I know I've only been married 6 months but we've known each other for almost 5 years and I can definitely tell you I'm a different person now than I was when we met (and not just because I was a teenager). I think it's important to find someone who makes you want to be better, because the more time you spend around them, the more you're likely to become a better person.

Anonymous said...

The way I've always understood is that there are a hundred different things you could consider about a person.
But chemistry is the top dog. Cause you can't fake that. And it goes a long way.
But the one thing that trumps chemistry is a red flag. I think it's totally reasonable to give up on a relationship due to a single red flag- you just need to know what is "red flag worthy".
Those are the few thoughts I can share.
-Tyson J.