occasionally i get epic texts from people that my sense of humor insists on saving. occasionally when i get bored, i scroll thru my saved texts and have a hearty, private laugh with myself.
so just to let you in on the joke, the best from the past year:
reebs, may 24, 2010
"so many young professionals at the chipotle by my work. i really feel a part of this culture now, minus the beer pong and random sex."
mandysister, june 2, 2010
(context: discussing a certain long-haired 90s boy band)
"do you think they go to any family reunions where they are not made to mmm-bop while their burly cousins snarl in their direction?"
mandysister, june 26, 2010
(context: the drunk-driving episode of SBTB)
"i always remember feeling ill at ease about that episode. and uncomfortable when zack and his dad have a moment at the end. at least it was before the time of teen pregnancy run amok. hmmm....would it have been lisa? no no it would have been jessie. and slater's family would have relocated to avoid shame. and jessie's dreams of attending columbia (was that it?) would be shattered and she would have a breakdown during which zack would reflect back on their childhood and promise to help her raise her baby."
chantallion, july 14, 2010
"so i go to make a quick afternoon run for some herbal tea; a desperate attempt to keep awake the rest of the work day. i'm standing in line and this hippie guy starts chatting me up, right as its my turn to order this is what was said: 'i feel good about this. like, we should get married, have 3 kids and an herb garden. i will hang one of those tree swings in the front yard where we'll kiss as we watch the children grow. what do you say?' my reply: 'i'm sorry lets start off with names, i'm chantal and i'd like to order my mango tea to GO!'"
k sparks, july 26, 2010
"sorry. butt call. haha."
(note: no phone call actually occurred.)
mandysister, august 11, 2010
"i am addicted to garden salsa sunchips to the point where it's so sad it is inappropriate to joke about it. like when britney shaved her head."
papanwa, august 12, 2010
(context: i'd just applied for a job at an episcopalian school)
"i would pray for u but i don't know if i should pray to the mormon deity or the episcopal deity."
katie lee, august 17, 2010
"why does this happen to us! my whole life i have had a deep relationship with dairy and now it's breaking up with me in a very violent way!"
blake gray, sept. 11, 2010
(context: he left milk in our fridge)
"well get to know him. he spends most of his time accompanying enchiladas, helps mitigate heated moments with hot sauce, and has the potential to become a flan. play some bachata music, he opens up with that."
reebs, dec. 11, 2010
"patience and a crap load of shiz is usually a combo that leads to something great ... you deserve THE BEST. we are talking moroni meets taylor lautner."
kels, dec. 22, 2010
"overheard a mom talking to her daughter: 'ya, we need to let him out. turtles need to run.' ...i'm left wondering, is my whole life a lie?"
kels, dec. 31, 2010
(context: a superfluity of hot guys at subway)
"grab me a cold cut trio and a brunette with blue eyes."
androo, jan. 25, 2011
"i have ur jew cd. not to be confused with: i have your cd, jew."
rustin, jan. 28, 2011
(context: see the movie UP if you haven't)
"true story: yesterday my friends met a transexual named kevin. the first thing i said to them when i heard about it was: kevin's a girl??"
reed, feb. 3, 2011
"with you and justin timberlake, anything is possible."
mandysister, feb. 22, 2011
(context: she meant to say hours.)
"sounds like you had a crummy last 24 he's."
androo, mar. 9, 2011
(context: i told him i think my security guard is a pirate)
"i've already looked into irvin. he's clean with the exception of a gap sweater that he stold in '93. and he cheats in shoots and ladders."